Red Patent Leather

This weekend was a great time. Ended up going out with friends on Friday, and on Saturday had a day planned at the beach. Originally I had asked Coffee Cutie to come up to my town and visit, but deep down I had my doubts, so I asked "J" if he wanted to come along with me instead. Me and J. had previous plans to hang out, drink, and go to an outdoor concert that night anyway, so I figured why not make a day out of it.

You guys are obviously wondering who is J, the mysterious new man in my life. Well, its not that wonderful. J is simply a friend, platonic, nothing has ever gone on, not even mild flirtation. Him and I haven't been friends that long, and at some point another mutual friend informed me of J's intention to ask me out. Sure enough, he did, over msn (manly!), and I told him that I just got out of a relationship that started with friendship... and in no position to start that game again. He understood and it was left at that. The worse part is that I love J's personality, we get along so well it's scary... but I am not physically attracted to him. So I can't go down that road again.

Turns out Coffee Cutie winds up coming to the beach. Not wanting to ditch J, I go with him and Coffee Cutie meets us later. I'm sure J couldn't help but feel like crap when Coffee Cutie showed up. I only introduced him as my friend and left out the details of anything romantic that happened. I felt bad.

These days I've been feeling really down on myself. I've mentionned feeling invisible in previous posts, but I think it has hit a new realm. Seems that I can't attract anyone, and yet my sister, who is 18 is dating like it's going out of style. I'll admit it, I'm jealous. What I am really jealous of, is that she managed to grab the interest of a popular guy I graduated high school with. It's not fair, he was never interested in me.... now he wants a girl 4.5 years younger. ARGH! The worse part is that he is actually a good guy, and i'm insanely jealous she can snag a cutie and I can't.

Ah sure, you all say I have my Coffee Cutie, but I don't really. He said to me in a IM convo last nigth that he was cool with the friends with benefits thing. I kind of saw it as more than that, not really an exclusive arrangement, but at least more than friends... I dunno... I don't like this game anymore because I can see myself getting attached, and for what, no reason because he is not the right guy for me.